III. Nine of Pentacles

Four weeks had passed since Luke first entered the tower. In that small amount of time, Luke's thoughts had become split in two. During the day, every moment was filled with Alan. When he left the tower at night to retire to his bedroom, another man haunted him. He tried to forget the dreams, but they only became more vivid with each passing day. His dreams were so intense he felt as if he never slept at all. He was living two different lives and neither of them seemed real. Acquiring items for Alan's various requests filled the little space of time between his two realities. He reported to the king a few times about how Alan was doing and pretended to still be following the plan. "So, he is quite subdued by these gifts then?" King Philip asked him at one of their nightly meetings. "Yes, it would seem his desires are quite simple. His wants are all one would expect of a prince. Well, except the desire to rule. You would think he was the spare with the way he cares not at all about such things." Luke said. "He likes thick blankets and cakes more than power." "Hmm...perhaps his isolation has kept him child-like and thus unable to come into the monstrous form he would if he were to rule. Then, it is best that he should continue staying there. If keeping him an innocent child forever protects the kingdom, than it is what we must do." The king said. He turned to Luke and asked. "Do you think the gifts are decreasing his desire to escape or does he still think on it?" Luke told him a truth and a lie. "I don't think he wishes to leave. He told me he no longer contemplates suicide, but not that he desires to leave." "Suicide? Well, we can't have him thinking those sorts of thoughts. He must die there by natural causes to keep our kingdom on the right path. The soothsayer was very clear about that." Philip questioned Luke on one more matter. "You haven't developed any fondness for him, have you?" "Me?" Luke laughed. He put on a show for the king. Luke gave the king a devilish grin. "You think the Incubus of Cailean can be captured by a virgin who's never tasted wine nor seen the sea? I have no interest in the pure hearts of chaste angels. My domain is that of devils, and I bind myself to none. I am, after all, my father's son, am I not?" The king laughed, satisfied with the display. "Aye, that you are. That's why I chose you. Your heart is made of ice, just like your father." Luke swallowed his disgust and requested even more gifts for Alan. When he retired to his room, he poured himself a glass of wine. Luke sat on the bed and brought the glass to his lips. He did not drink. He put the glass back down on the desk near his bed. Luke collapsed back on the sheets. Most nights, by now, he would be thinking of the raven-haired man. Tonight, he was still thinking about Alan. He had gotten to bathe with him four times. They hadn't progressed beyond kissing and some touching over their clothes. He wanted to sleep with Alan, but he wanted Alan to be the one who asked for it. Thinking about that was stirring up something in him he didn't usually feel. He undid the front of his pants and touched himself fantasizing about what that moment might be like. He had lost count of how many days it had been since he last had sex. He hadn't gone this long without it before. Luke didn't usually masturbate often either, because he had no need to with how often he used to sleep around. The scenario was easy to picture in his mind. As he let his mind wander, his thoughts showed him something he didn't want to admit he desired. Alan was on top of him in his fantasy. He almost never let another man be in that position with him, and he wouldn't admit it to others that he actually enjoyed that more than the other way around. He didn't trust anyone, and that was the more vulnerable position. He couldn't allow himself to be beneath someone else like that. He was terrified of the idea. The few times he allowed it outside of when he was a young teenager where all when he was heavily drunk. He doubted he could let Alan put him in that position. It would be the other way around when that day eventually came, he was sure. But in his mind, no one could hurt him. He could envision anything he wanted. He pulled his pants down further and slipped his fingers inside. It wasn't enough to satisfy him. He reached over the side of the bed for a box hidden underneath. Luke kept some adult items in there he had collected over the years from various places he traveled to. He took out the biggest one in the box. After all, if Alan was being honest about his size, Luke needed to match that to complete what he was picturing in his mind. When he cleaned himself up later, he still did not feel fully satisfied. He wanted the real thing. Luke fell asleep thinking about Alan. For once, he didn't dream of that other man. That night, he had a nightmare. The man he met in his dream this time was his father. He spoke to him under a full moon. 'Luke, do you want to know a secret?' 'From you? No.' Luke answered him. 'I hate you.' 'I know. I shouldn't have come here.' His father said. 'But I am a selfish person. I wanted you to see what's inside.' 'Inside?' His father pulled apart his shirt, then ripped open his skin down the middle of his chest. 'Inside here. Do you want to know what's there? What's inside me?' Luke was not as terrified by the display as he would have been if he were awake. He was mesmerized. He reached toward the opening. His father opened up his rib cage so that Luke could fully reach inside his chest. Luke felt around for the heart. The inside was hot, burning. He saw dark flames where the organs should have been. The heart was charged, but beating. This surprised Luke. He expected it would be cold inside, unmoving. Luke looked up at his father as the heart's blood dripped down his arm from the cracks where the fire had broken it open. The frail heart beating in his palm, he could have easily crushed it at any moment. He didn't see his father as a person capable of love, but he didn't see him as one who's heart could be destroyed either. Luke thought a block of ice should be there, not some fragile thing. Slowly, Luke pulled his arm back out with the heart still beating in his hand. His father covered parts of the chest as flames attemped to escape him. Cracks opened up across his skin where blood and fire bloomed outward. 'What is this?' Luke asked him in an all too calm voice. His father put his hand over the heart Luke was holding. 'You should do what you want. I am too cowardly to.' 'What I want?' Luke put the heart back inside. 'I don't want to see you.' 'I know.' His father closed everything back up, but the blood remained. 'It's not fair to you, but I do love you. I always have.' 'I don't care what you feel.' Luke turned away from him. 'I know.' His father sounded distant. The voice behind him changed to that of his mother. 'And I don't love you at all. I don't ever want to see you again.' Luke looked back. He saw his mother standing there in her red cloak above the pool of blood. He forced a smile. 'I know.' He woke in a sweat just before dawn. Luke wiped away the tears he cried in his sleep. "Why the hell did I dream that? I wasn't thinking about either of them yesterday..." Luke remembered what he told the king. He laughed at himself. "Is this a punishment for comparing myself to you?" Luke put his hand to his face. He laughed again at himself. "Love me? You were a monster to me at every moment I was in your presence. Stay out of my dreams. Love...you've never loved anyone. Even I am not that wicked." Luke quickly dressed himself and hurried toward the kitchen to get Alan's breakfast. On his way there, he stumbled upon someone else he did not wish to see. James, Alan's twin brother, was up unusually early that morning. He was talking with a servant. Luke stood at the corner of the two connecting hallways out of sight and waited for the two to leave. He overheard their coversation. "Think it over. No one will know." He heard James say. "I don't think we should...this is wrong. After what the king already put you through before, if he catches you...surely, he'll do something worse..." The servant said in a quieter voice than the prince. "He's not going to do anything. I have a fiancée. So long as I marry and give him a grandson, none of that matters anymore." James said. "Come, I could keep you in luxury you've never known. All I ask if you keep quiet about everything." "I am sorry...we shouldn't...I shouldn't have done this. I must ask God for forgiveness for what I've done...for tempting you out of your reformed state. Forgive me..." Luke heard the servant crying. "But I love you." James said. "No, you mustn't. What have I done...Forgive me, forgive me...Only God can know what we've done. We mustn't ever again..." The servant ran off from James down the hallway and turned the corner to where Luke was. The man froze in fear when he saw Luke. "Did...did you hear?" "Hear what?" Luke pretended to know nothing. "Nothing that concerns you. I do not mean to speak out of turn, Knight. Please, do not bother the prince today." The servant regained his composure and stormed off in a less frantic pace. Luke rolled his eyes. He sighed. James came dashing around the corner after the servant. He also stopped when he saw Luke. James did not ask if Luke heard the conversation. He put a finger to Luke's lips. "Not one word out of you. I don't want to hear whatever it is you're thinking." A cold chill went through him at James's touch. His stomach turned. "I wasn't going to say anything." There was an awkward silence between them. Luke cleared his throat. "May I leave now?" James's face went red. "Go on your way." Luke quickly walked away. His chest and throat hurt. He wanted to throw up. He wanted to remove what he saw and heard from his mind, but it repeated on a loop as he walked to the kitchen. When he pushed it aside for a moment, his nightmare returned to him instead. 'Get out of my head. Yesterday was nice. Why is today like this?' The smell of the kitchen offered him a respite from his mind's cycling of unwanted images. The conversation amongst the kitchen staff shifted to Alan the moment Luke entered the room. He chatted with them for a while before ascending the tower for the first time of the day. It was colder than yesterday. He couldn't wait to cuddle under warm blankets with Alan. He hurried so fast up the stairs he nearly tripped at the top. When he opened the door, Alan was asleep in bed. Luke put the food and the other items he brought with him on the table. He took his shoes off before getting under the blankets. Luke kissed Alan on the forehead. "Good morning, my sweet prince." Alan yawned. He pulled Luke down into a hug. "You seem in a good mood today. Has something wonderful happened?" Nothing good had happened that morning. Nothing at all, Luke thought. In another time and place, he would have immediately destroyed any illusion of goodness having happened. But he couldn't bring himself to complain. Alan looked so happy to see him. "Yes, something wonderful has happened. I woke up today and remembered I get to see you again." Alan blushed. "You're being so sweet to me this morning. I wonder what you're planning." Luke caressed Alan's cheek. "My only plan today is to make you happy." Alan cuddled close to him. "Have you thought anymore about...us escaping?" "Yes." Luke pulled the blankets up higher over them. "Your father would notice if I brought weapons up here. But I can still train your body without them. We can do some training exercises later after lunch. As for money, I have enough for us to leave off for a while. I have my own horse here. We'd have to share that for now." "You only have one? I would have thought you'd have more than that, since you are a knight. Don't you have land we could go to?" Alan asked. "I do, but your father would surely look for us there. We can't go to that place. My land is in his kingdom. There is some land I also own in another kingdom that my father keeps up. He pays the servants at both properties, actually. But I don't really want to see him again, and I know your father would look there too. If we went there, it might cause a war." Luke said. "Oh, I didn't consider that. You'll really have to leave all of that behind...Are you sure you would want to do that?" Alan looked away. "I can't ask that of you." "I've almost never even slept any nights at either of those places. They may as well both belong to my father. We'll go somewhere farther than both those kingdoms. One horse will be enough for travel. We can use my money until we sort out ways of making more. I know how to farm. And I'm quite good at hunting and fishing." Luke pressed his face against Alan's. "I can teach you those things once we leave." "I've always wanted to ride a horse. Will you teach me how to care for one?" Alan's voice was full of warmth. "Whatever you wish for, I'll give it to you." Luke held Alan closer. He was saying sweet words, but fear was creeping up inside him. The last three times he let himself get this carried away with feelings like this all ended in regret. It didn't make sense for him to be this in love so quickly either. But when he thought about it, all the times he had fallen in love were like this. Sudden, overwhelming, all consuming. This time may have been this most intense spell of it yet. Luke felt like this time, he could be consumed entirely by it. What would be left of him when he inevitably destroyed it? The expected ending to it all, knowing he would eventually disappoint and fail Alan, made him want to run away and end it now. He thought of the servant and James earlier. The servant was wise, he thought, to run off like that. Luke was sure he would fail Alan in some way. No one ever stayed with him. Luke made sure of that, for their own good. This warmth between him and Alan couldn't last, he told himself. But he was Alan's only option right now for freedom. He knew he would destroy the relationship at some point, but he could at least get Alan out of the tower before that happened. "Luke, I must confess something." Alan's face went a deep red. "What is it?" "Last night, after you left...I...might have done something dirty." Alan whispered. "Oh...What did you do?" Luke whispered in a playful voice. "I was thinking about the last time we took a bath together and I..." Alan covered his voice. "I imagined you touching me with your hands. Then I touched myself pretending it was you. I'm sorry." "Sorry? Why are you sorry? Tell me it again." Luke grinned. "I didn't think you would be disgusted, but I feel like you should be." He glanced to the side. "But why?" Luke got on top of Alan. He kissed down Alan's neck. "I'll tell you a funny story. Last night, I did the same." "You did?" Alan asked. "Why didn't you just go in town and find someone?" "I wanted you." Luke lightly bit Alan's neck. "But we haven't done anything yet..." Alan ran his finger's through Lukes messy hair. "I'm not ready...I'm sorry..." "It's alright." Luke kissed his cheek. He took hold of Alan's hand and pressed it against his cheek. "I don't mind waiting. I can practice the moment in my mind all I want." "Luke...I don't want you to go into town at night." Alan averted his eyes. "Would it be selfish of me to ask that?" Luke sat up. "Are you asking me to be your lover? Or are you simply forbidding me from sleeping around?" "Am I allowed to ask for either? I'm not...this isn't an order." Alan clarified. "I wouldn't demand you do something like that. This...what I mean is...if you would be like, if you were willing to..." The words Alan was saying made his heart race with happiness and terror. He was done with fallig in love and absolutely with pursuing relationships. He swore to himself he wouldn't go down that path again. "Do you want to be lovers?" "Y-yes..." Alan answered him. He quickly followed with questions. "Is that alright? You don't feel like you're forced to do this, do you? You do not have to, if you don't want to. I would never order you to..." Luke kissed him to assuade his fears. "I know you wouldn't. This is my choice." Alan sat up in the bed. "So...what is it we do now? I don't really know much about what it is lovers do, beyond, well...the physical part of it." Luke laughed under his breath. "You wanted it, but you don't what it means? If you just wanted to sleep with me, we don't have to be lovers." "I know that." Alan leaned against Luke. "But I...I was thinking last night that I...didn't like the thought of sharing you with anyone." "Oh, I see. I'm flattered." A little heat rose in Luke's face. Luke rose from the bed. He took Alan's hand and led him over to the table. "Come, let's eat breakfast before it gets cold. I've brought a lot of gifts for you today, though when we leave, I won't be able to give you as many things as I can right now. I don't have the kind of money your father does." "That's alright. I'm sure, if I can ever free myself from this place, anything I see out there will already be a gift no money my father could spend could equal." Alan sat down at the table. "Are you sure about this? If we fail, he'll kill you. I don't...I don't want anything to happen to you. I'd rather spend eternity here than risk..." "I won't fail." Luke sat across from him. "I can't promise you I'll be a great lover. I've only ever been one other person's lover and I failed him. You may find there is someone else out there you will want more. But getting you out of here, I can promise you that." "Why are you so certain you'll fail me in the other regard?" "Well, that's just the sort of person I am. You don't have enough experience yet to know I am nothing impressive." Luke said. "You'll certainly find someone far better than me, someone who matches the goodness in you." "Someone willing to risk their life for another's freedom and hope's for that person's happiness even if that person is not in that future is most certainly kind and good." Alan said. Luke went quiet for a moment. He stared at the ground. "You give me praise I don't think I deserve." "That doesn't make it unwarranted." Alan put his hand on Luke's. "I'm glad you came here. Though I still think I am mad and this is a dream." "You might be right, but I am certain you are my dream and I am the mad one." Luke pulled his hand away. 'I'm mad, without a doubt. What the hell am I doing? Why am I so happy? This can't last.' After breakfast, Luke showed Alan all the things the servants had managed to get from Alan's last set of requests. Alan flipped through the new books while he sucked on a peppermint stick. New pillows were added to the growing pile of them on the bed. Out of all the things Luke had brought up, Alan seemed quite obsessed with items for the bed. He seemed to be hoarding pillows in particular. The only other thing Alan seemed to love as much as pillows were gems. He did not care about wearing them. Alan was quite happy with a pile of rough stones. He would stare at them, completely transfixed by their beauty. He organized the stones into different bags in an order Luke couldn't make sense of and put them under his favorite pillows to sleep on. The behavior was strange, Luke thought. 'You're like a little dragon.' Luke watched Alan put the new stones in with the others. The rings and necklaces Luke brought up were quickly changed into other items. Alan used his magic to melt down the pieces to take the gems out for sorting, then reshaped the gold and silver into new things. He made most of them into flowers he knew of pictures in books. At the end of their first day as lovers, Luke didn't want to leave for the night. He knew Alan wasn't ready for anything more than kissing, but he wanted to stay the night anyway. "Since we're lovers now, could I stay tonight?" Luke asked. "Stay? What would we do if you did?" Alan asked him. "We don't have to do anything but sleep. I didn't want to be away from you yet." Alan hugged him. "Please, stay. I have wanted you to stay for a while now, but I didn't want to ask. I thought you would be upset if nothing happened at night." "You don't need to worry about that." The new couple retired to bed, holding each other close. Alan fell asleep first. Luke had trouble sleeping. He was perplexed by his own behavior. This wasn't how he was. He had only known Alan for a month. 'What am I doing?' Luke asked himself. 'Why can't I stop this?' The moon shined brightly on them through the small tower window. A strange fog filled the room, but Luke didn't pay attention to it. He suddenly felt very sleepy. He heard someone singing, but he wasn't sure if it was real or if he had already begun to dream. IV. Seven of Cups